Emotions are unreliable. Always.
Ok, perhaps not always, but generally speaking, there are way too many variables for there to be any kind of real consistency. Anger is unreliable based on my skewed perspective of right vs. wrong – based on how I was raised and/or my own religious beliefs. Fear is unreliable based on my own personal anxieties – whatever they may be…being alone, being left behind, spiders, heights, my own phobias whether they are logical or not – not even taking into account outside influences such as whether or not I watched a scary movie the night before. Happiness is unreliable because of fluctuating hormones, how much I have eaten that day, how much sleep I have gotten – see where I am going with this? It is all relative based on so many outside factors.
I am not a fan of emotions. I never have been, 100% based on the fact that they are unreliable and VERY subjective. What I see as truth, black and white could be a completely different thing for you. It all depends on so much. And there are no perimeters, no way to measure, no way to even accurately predict, it is all guess work. So generally speaking, emotions annoy me. I understand the need for them, but whenever I have days where I feel they are out of my control (and that has been happening a lot lately) I get very annoyed, which is another emotion, which makes me even more frustrated, and the cycle continues…
I would say the only emotion that is truly reliable is sorrow; true, deep grief. If you have experienced real sorrow. Then I would say that you can rely on the fact that it is never going to truly go away. It will be ever with you, a constant companion. It may change form, grow or shrink, but will always be there.
Life is annoying, have you noticed that? No matter the topic, no matter the reason, no matter the person. Life is annoying, either because it is going too fast or too slow., Often it is way too loud, the living room is always a mess and the laundry and dishes never are finished, and there is never enough coffee! That, is very annoying!
When I get angry, I get quiet. I don’t blow up, I blow in. I go away, the part of myself that is angry gets tucked away until the logical part of me feels like it has cooled off enough to be rational. I’m not sure this is a really healthy way of managing my anger, but it seems to be pretty effective in the fact that I can much more clearly see what is and is not a big issue once I have rested with it all for a while.
I personally think that the age old “never go to bed angry” advice is a load of baloney. I get annoyed every time I hear it recited as “new” advice to an engaged couple…(kinda the same way I feel when people tell a new mom to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Ha! Like that ever really happens…ok, it never worked for me. And I tried so hard!) and perhaps I shouldn’t judge, for many people it is probably very important and perhaps the very advice they needed the most to hear. But for me? I need a night to cool off, to pray and figure things out for myself, and 99% of the time, I feel much better the next day. I can discuss things rationally, without the unreliable part of being angry tainting everything I say – or often, I will wake up the next morning and wonder why I was so upset in the first place and peacefully let the subject drop, knowing I was over-reacting or being too sensitive.
Of course, again, I go inward when I am angry, so I rarely say things I regret. Because I don’t say anything at all. I WILL still tell my husband I love him before I go to sleep, because I do, regardless of how I feel.
The only issue with this is…I do the same “go inward” thing when I am really REALLY tired. So it can be hard to tell the difference. I have had to just let my husband know that if I am upset, I will tell him so…which sometimes works…
All that to say, I don’t get angry very often. You basically have to insult either a close personal friend or my husband/children/me personally to make me downright angry.
But I get annoyed a lot…
I hide it well, from everyone but my husband…unless of course I want you to know I am annoyed. Then trust me, you know. I will be polite, I will be calm. But I will also be very very clear.
I have mentioned to friends before that while I was pregnant I was annoyed with any and all people almost all the time (and I mean ALL of the time) and most people say they could never tell. So unless they are all humoring me (highly likely) I think I am ok.
Life lately has had that same pregnancy feel (I’m not, just in case anyone was wondering.) But it feels like everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, everything I attempt to accomplish comes with a certain level of annoyance. Sometimes a really high level, for reasons I cannot identify. I can’t figure out if it is me, if it is outside of me, or if it is something that is supposed to teach me something…probably. Though I am not sure what…
I suppose this goes right along with dealing with people like my nemesis on such a regular basis – so you see it has been happening for a while. I feel stuck in a rut and I don’t know how to get out. It is amazing how life can be incredibly busy and yet drop dead boring all at the same time.
I feel like I need a mentor friend, does that makes sense? In my group of my friends, I am the oldest. I am the one who has been with my husband the longest, I have the oldest and the most number of kids, I own my house, I have been a little further down the road of everyday life (well, at least the stay at home mom, married person part…I do understand that is a very narrow field) then lots of those I am usually around, they are still getting there – which is ok, wonderful in fact. But I have basically been the leader, especially in the husband and kids department. And I LOVE talking to those just coming into those situations. But lately I feel like I need someone that I can cry out to, and for them to say “I get it, I have been there, this too will pass.” And for me to know that they are right, because they have been there and they came out the other side. I don’t really have that. And I don’t know where to find it.
Things need reworking in my life, there is too much annoyance. I need a clean slate, a moment to breath. Fresh air, a vacation? Things are stagnate, stuck on repeat and I am so tired! So very very tired. All the time. And I get sleep! For once I actually get sleep, at least I think so. I am in bed for the recommended amount of time with minimal interruption. but I am still so tired – it is a deep tired. I am not sure if it is related to any of the medical stuff I deal with (Thyroid? Low B vit? Allergies? Too much caffeine? ) or if it is just a crazy insane toddler, and two big girls learning how to grow up, or me not praying enough…
I don’t know the cause, but I need it to stop. I need a break somehow or I feel like I am going to snap. And snapping is not a good thing…
So pray for me I guess. Pray I can get a handle on life, because I feel like I am doing a very bad job of it right now. I am failing in a lot of things.
I am failing as a house-keeper. My house is a wreck and I don’t even know where to start to find a way to fix it.
My kids have NOT been well behaved lately, so I feel like I am failing as a mom. And usually it is just one that is challenging at a time, but lately it has been all three and I am feeling clueless as to how to manage it. My ears have been buzzing a lot, I know it is related to thyroid and stress but it means all sounds are amplified, especially whining and bickering. So I am yelling way to much, just trying to get a moment in-between the noise.
Dear friends are simultaneously going through meaningless, frustrating spats and deep, heart-wrenching pain. And somehow, I am caught in the middle of spats and pulled along the journey of pain. And I am ok, I want to be there for them all – but I feel like I cannot give my best, so they all have half a friend. And I am cheating them. And I am so tired.
I have been so spent at the end of the day lately that I feel like I have very little to give my husband. And he is working very long hours right now, so at the end of the day he is so very spent he has nothing left to give to me. And so we just sit, watching TV and not really doing anything, which means at the end of the day, neither of us feels like we have had any chance to do anything. So often times, we both lie awake half the night – just, frustrated and not knowing why.
Ah me, I apologize for a cryptic post. This is me processing and you get to be my un-wary observers.
This is a phase, this too shall pass. We will get through it, I know we will. But sometimes, as grown up as we may be, I just want to stamp my foot like a little child and scream and yell and kick the door because it is HARD and I DON’T WANT TO! Even if I am not entirely certain what is being asked of me…
Deep breath, tomorrow is another day. We can start again. Try again…do it again, over and over and over and over…..